The Universe is Always Supporting Me

The Universe is Always Supporting Me

The Universe is Always Supporting Me

Originally posted on April 23, 2020

This pandemic has tested my spiritual work. I struggled the last few weeks to get back to myself. I have been (as most of us have been) going up and down in the feelings spectrum.

Angry. Sad. Depressed. Anxious. Scared. Fearful. Optimistic. Happy. Loved. Supported. 

I know we are not alone in this. But we all  feel like our situation is different than the next persons’. And that is where anxiety takes hold like a cowboy on a horse ready to ride off into the sunset. Yehawwww. You are now under my control, anxiety replies, cunningly. I respond,  ‘Hello Anxiety, I see you. Hello Fear, would you like some tea with your cookies?’

Another great tactic, call you fear by its name. ‘Hi Fear, I see you behind the door. Come on out so I can deal with you.’

Since my last post, I have canceled my inaugural June Tuscany Retreat. It was a hard decision, but it was the right one. There was no way I would’ve felt comfortable to host six people in Tuscany. As much as I wanted to. 

I have had more stupid petty fights with my husband. They all end with a hug, thankfully. However, all of this anger is testing my spiritual growth. Basically saying to me, ‘You have more shit to work through, Katie.’ Childhood traumas, inner child issues and all of my anxiety and fears that have been hanging over me like a rain cloud for thirty-nine years. There is so much I need to let go of and forgive and stop apologizing for being the person I am.

The world needs me just the way I am.

I also created a YouTube channel for the yoga practices I have created for myself and clients. I love this creative outlet of developing my style of teaching yoga. I never liked seeing or hearing myself on camera, but here I am being me, on camera, with that voice and my disheveled hair. I am ok with it. I am proud of what I have created. Milly, my cat, has made a few guest appearances, mostly with her sitting in front of my iPad or licking her lady bits for all of YouTube to see. 

Meditation has been a daily activity for me. If I don’t have time to meditate during the day (lie, I always have time) I create art with my new set of paints. It is meditative for me. 

Today in meditation, I asked the universe what it thought about traveling to Italy this year. I got a clear response. I announced in my recent newsletter that I will still keep my Christmas in Florence Retreat on the website until I have a strong sign that it won’t happen. I am very much ok with it not running. Safety first.

My intention for this retreat is to share my beloved city to new travelers, yogis, meditators who want to rent a gorgeous apartment in the historic city center of Florence. I want to help all my friends who work with tourists. I want to give back. I want to bring them to my friend’s small vineyard in Chianti. I want to use my friend Max’s drivers to pick up my customers from the airport. I want to help my dear friend with her handmade jewelry business by hiring her to do a jewelry making class for us.

I want to help with all my heart and soul. 

My answer from my meditation was a maybe this retreat will run looking face  for December, but then the universe energetically pointed to my Florence Retreat in May and was nodding its head violently up and down to say,

THAT IS WHEN YOU ARE BRINGING PEOPLE TO FLORENCE. MAY 2021.

I always pick an oracle card or two after I meditate to ask the universe “to reveal to me what I need to know”. I picked Lord Ganesh, Infinite Abundance. Underneath the picture of the elephant headed god it reads: Obstacles are being removed. Spiritual support and connections are increasing. 

I totally feel this shift of connection and spiritual support. It is true, if after all this time in our homes we didn’t somehow go deeper within ourselves, then it was time wasted. I definitely have realized how much my spiritual work is needed to sustain my mindset for the future.

Something stuck with me in the extended message of Lord Ganesh:

It’s important at this time to move beyond the limitations of ‘it’s not meant to be’ and focus on ‘if this is for my highest good then the universe will take me there safely.’

Yes! I keep telling myself ‘if it’s meant to be, it will run’. 

However, the story needs to change now.

I am declaring it now:

If running the December retreat in Florence is for my highest good then the universe will take me there safely.

Keeping connecting to your higher self and all your queries, questions, uncertainties will be answered  and the universe will reveal to you if it is for your highest good. 

What are you working on spiritually for yourself?

Love & Light,

Kate

The Struggle

The Struggle

The Struggle

Originally posted April 7, 2020

I am struggling. Really struggling. Lack of connection. Lack of physical touch. Fear. Doubt. Worry. Uncertainty.

The practices I have taken on to comfort myself have been working but last night the ball was dropped. I had a horrible night of insomnia. Of Fear. Of worry. Of uncertainty. 

My day started off well. I decided to do 40 days of concentrated spiritual work. 3 times or maybe four times a day of spiritual breaks, no time limit on how long I spend. Enough time to feel relief. 

I went from listening to Gabby’s affirmation meditation 4 times in the morning. Then at 2pm I did a 20 minute kundalini meditation for manifesting. My afternoon was spent making art with my paints and colored pencils. I created a shield of protection through my art to help me stay grounded and feel the love that is around me. At 6pm, I did a Voo chant meditation and then EFT tapping meditation. I went to bed without watching the news or any type of news. I did one last EFT tapping for stress before I went to sleep. 

My beautiful cat, Milly, came up at a certain point and curled up next to me. I felt the energy from her. I felt how much I needed the love from her at that moment. Did I mention I was crying on and off all day? Yes. It was a hard day. Even though I set aside these spiritual breaks. 

The ball was dropped, all the spiritual work was thrown out the window, when Milly decided(as she does every night if we don’t put her in the basement) to wake me up. At midnight. While my husband was watching a show downstairs, I came down like a bat out of hell, sending death rays from my eyes at him.

I angrily asked him why are you still up? Why isn’t Milly downstairs? Why don’t you care about how I feel? Why don’t you care about how much I need sleep?

My anxiety was elevated to the highest it has been since this all started. I felt horrible in the moment of yelling at my amazing husband and how much I felt out of control.

How much I wanted to feel good.

How much I wanted to know that I am being taken care of.

Instead all of my anxiety gremlins emerged in my being and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. Anger was boiling up in my body. By the time my husband sneakily came to bed, I was livid. 

2 seconds go by. I hear…. Snore snore snore…. WTF!!!!

I yell out loud.

I am PISSED. I AM ANGRY. I AM PISSED!!! You can SO easily fall asleep and I am forced to listen to you fall asleep. I cannot handle this. 

I run out of the room and make as much noise while my dear, sweet husband exclaims back to me, feeling horrible, “I am sorry, I am sorry.”

I make my way to the second bedroom and lie face down on the floor next to the window that looks out into the pitch black darkness of night. In that moment, I felt the darkness flood over me.

The sadness.

The anger.

The hopefulness.

The fear. Oh FUCK the fear.

I sit up and start tapping. EFT (emotional freedom technique). It saved me. I kept looking into the darkness at 1:30 am and asked for Light. I saw the horizon of light among the tree line. I know there is light. Through darkness we will find the light. 

The wound is where the light enters you.

-Rumi

As I made my way back to bed, I felt awful, stupid, out of control, fearful, sad, shameful. I didn’t fall asleep until I put earplugs in so I didn’t have to hear my amazing, caring husband dream. 

I realized this morning the anger was still there, even after working out for 2 hours. As I predicted, we fought in between blaming each other for what happened last night, I didn’t feel I was being heard. I didn’t feel hopeful of this day to come. 

I decided I needed some air. I took a long walk listening to Gabby’s affirmation meditation on repeat. I cried to myself and tried to get myself out of this funk. I honored my feelings of fear, worry and more fear. I knew the first thing I was going to do when I walked into the door. 

Ask my husband for forgiveness.

Did I do it?

No.

I cried on the porch. He came out and just held me. Told me we are ok. It’s going to be ok.

Being held, that is what I needed. I couldn’t handle this angry energy anymore. It didn’t feel good.

I needed to be held. I needed to feel him listen to my energy. How drained I was from not sleeping. From working out for 2 hours. From being an angry person. Even as I write this, I am crying because after all I said and did to hurt his feelings. He still left for work and said,

“Don’t worry, I am sorry too, go to sleep, I’ll see you later.”

With a smile on his face, not pouting on who was right or wrong, not making me feel worse. He accepted the situation.

I was fucking tired.

We are captors in our home.

We are in a situation that the whole world is dealing with.

We are NOT ourselves.

We are in a pandemic that is altering so many lives. The worries, doubts, fears I have are still valid, I know. But knowing that there are many more people in worse situations makes me feel bad even writing this to you. 

My revelation on what has happened in my body since yesterday, I miss being held. My whole being misses physical connection. 

As Brene Brown says, “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

I am imperfect. I am going to struggle more as this quarantine goes one. But I am still worthy of being loved and being held and belonging to this world. 

Who else is struggling?

Love & Light,

Kate

Connections

Connections

Connections

,,edOriginally posted March 2 2020

I was always told as a young child that I was an old soul. I felt it too. I have connected well with older adults when I was younger. I loved their stories most of all. I am enthralled by stories. Recently, a student of mine was telling me about her time in Russia right after the Soviet Union fell. Oh, the stories she had. About spies, not knowing where the taxi would take her, the people she met in the war-torn country. I mean it felt like a book to be read. And she needed to be the writer of that book. 

My grandfather, Papa as he was called, had the most AMAZING stories of the war and his travels to Italy and then England where he met my Nana. There was something about his stories. I felt like I was there with him. I listened intently to every single detail. Laughed along with him when there was a punchline, I was always connected to him energetically when these stories came up. After a while, I remembered every single one, because he would repeat the same ones as he got older. I didn’t mind though because he was a great storyteller. I miss those stories to this day. 

I had a professor in college that lured me into his stories of philosophers, artists of many years ago. The way he taught was a sight. He would walk around the room like he was an actor on stage. Certain points he would lean on to the wall and lift his leg up to be dramatic. You had to be there. I don’t remember all his stories and lessons but I do remember how he made me feel. I was emotional connected to his storytelling. Once I found Dr. Poling, I made sure he was my professor for the rest of my years at Saint Mary’s University. Every semester, I got him as a teacher of something. Philosophy of art, Intro to Philosophy, any of his classes I signed up for. He even created a class just for me during my senior year in school. We studied Rene Descartes. To this day, I confide in him through email. Oh, the stories he still tells. It’s like I never left and our friendship still starts where we left off. The best feeling in the world to have a connection with someone who inspires you to be better, do better and always is on your side even when you can’t see or hear him. 

At this stage in my life, I crave connections. REAL connections with people. My tribe is out there somewhere I know. I have found some of you but I hope to connect with more people each and every year. 

I have no doubt that this post will be sent out to the universe to bring more people like me to me who will be my kindred spirits. I encourage anyone who would like to connect, comment below.

A quote that I like referring to your tribe is: 

 

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.”

-Rumi

Light and Love,
Katie 

Only Love is Real

Only Love is Real

Only Love is Real

This year has changed from being the year I launch my first retreat, to the year I cancel said retreat. The year that expresses there is a reason why this pandemic is here. It is wreaking havoc on people (front-line workers), families and causing the world’s economy to come to a complete stop.

I was sad at first. But then I realized that I needed this year to prepare. Heal myself. Learn more. Grow more. And come into my own. 

Since the world was hit by this pandemic, I’ve tried to surround myself with stories of love, hope and support.

I only watch funny movies. I meditate more often. I create art to get me through the days. I use art to express my emotions, inner child trauma, and limiting beliefs I’ve held in my being for so long.

Needless to say, it’s been a transforming (almost) three months closed inside my home. 

One amazing perk, I’ve grown closer to my husband. Even with our (my) own outbursts, anger spells and crying uncontrollably, he’s been by my side.

The key to marriage is communication. In fact, it has been the basis of our relationship from the very beginning. I remember when I told him the goal I had of our relationship.

On a lazy Sunday afternoon, I said, “You need to tell me when you are not happy with me or something isn’t right in our relationship.”

He replied, with a smile. “Ok.”

It is still the basis of our relationship. Even more now as our (my) emotions are out of control and say to him in a loud, stern voice, “I am angry because our trip to Italy is off. We won’t have a vacation this summer. I am sad that your vacation will be here with me in this house that we’ve been in for the past 3 months together.”

It felt great to get that off my chest. Just expressing your feelings does make a difference in your body. Give it a try sometime. 

Another perk, I’ve reconnected to friends whom I thought I’d never find the connection again. One friend in particular has caught me by surprise. She and I were partners in crime in Florence back from 2008 to 2011.

We painted Florence red each and every night we went out. We lived life to the fullest. We made our own mistakes and learned from them by staying by each other sides during those dark times. We grew and shaped ourselves living in my beloved city.

She taught me how to be kind. She gave me strength when I was struggling emotionally and financially in Florence.

And then, I let her slip through my fingers for many selfish reasons.

Worst mistake of my life.

I didn’t know what I lost until she was gone.

I am grateful that she and I are now back in regular communication as of a few years back. I wrote her a long email to let her know how much I cared for her and how bad I felt when we lost touch.

Last June, I met her for lunch in our beloved Florence. It was like not a day had passed. The lunch flew by. I didn’t even finish my salad.

I just had so much I wanted to tell her. But I got the best gift from her that day: LOVE.

I felt her love. I felt her as if we didn’t have a falling out. I felt how lucky I am to have a friend like her.

She is still living her life in Florence after 10+ years with her amazing husband and two adorable, bilingual children. I am forever grateful that I wrote her that email. 

Your time on this earth is short, make sure you tell people you love them.

Share love and kindness with whoever needs it. A simple smile, with your eyes, a ‘thank you’ to the man sanitizing the carts at the store, a phone call to a friend that is struggling, listening to a friend who needs to vent. These are all examples of love. 

So much tragedy has happened in these months. Feeling bad for myself because I can’t travel, makes me feel so horrible.

All the people who died alone in a lonely hospital bed really makes my heart hurt. I think about them every day. 

The loved ones that only got to see the dying through a facetime call that the amazing healthcare workers offered to do. That is what I call courage, support and LOVE.

There are millions of people all over the world who are without food, struggling to pay their bills, in unhealthy, abusive relationships, scared to be outside because of their health. Not just because of the virus, all these fears are heightened even more. 

The one thing that I keep sending to those in need is LOVE.

Only love is real. 

As much as I wish I was hosting a retreat in Tuscany this summer, I know this pandemic happened for a reason.

Pick yours:

  • Heal the Earth
  • Slow down
  • Focus on what’s important
  • Learn something new
  • Connect with a loved one
  • Heal yourself
  • Love yourself more

The list can go on.

For me, I choose to focus on what I REALLY want to do with my life. I’ve been on the path of self-care and wellness since December 2019. This year is my year to heal, grow and share my story with people that need inspiration, love and support. Because we all need that.

I feel in all of my being, my intention is being heard by the universe. I’ve received the sign.

My heart wants to share so many gifts with the world. It is MY time. 

 

What have you decided to focus on this time at home? Are you looking for a change? Are you missing a long lost friend?

Share with me in the comments what you are feeling these days.

Love & Light,

Kate

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