The Struggle

The Struggle

The Struggle

Originally posted April 7, 2020

I am struggling. Really struggling. Lack of connection. Lack of physical touch. Fear. Doubt. Worry. Uncertainty.

The practices I have taken on to comfort myself have been working but last night the ball was dropped. I had a horrible night of insomnia. Of Fear. Of worry. Of uncertainty. 

My day started off well. I decided to do 40 days of concentrated spiritual work. 3 times or maybe four times a day of spiritual breaks, no time limit on how long I spend. Enough time to feel relief. 

I went from listening to Gabby’s affirmation meditation 4 times in the morning. Then at 2pm I did a 20 minute kundalini meditation for manifesting. My afternoon was spent making art with my paints and colored pencils. I created a shield of protection through my art to help me stay grounded and feel the love that is around me. At 6pm, I did a Voo chant meditation and then EFT tapping meditation. I went to bed without watching the news or any type of news. I did one last EFT tapping for stress before I went to sleep. 

My beautiful cat, Milly, came up at a certain point and curled up next to me. I felt the energy from her. I felt how much I needed the love from her at that moment. Did I mention I was crying on and off all day? Yes. It was a hard day. Even though I set aside these spiritual breaks. 

The ball was dropped, all the spiritual work was thrown out the window, when Milly decided(as she does every night if we don’t put her in the basement) to wake me up. At midnight. While my husband was watching a show downstairs, I came down like a bat out of hell, sending death rays from my eyes at him.

I angrily asked him why are you still up? Why isn’t Milly downstairs? Why don’t you care about how I feel? Why don’t you care about how much I need sleep?

My anxiety was elevated to the highest it has been since this all started. I felt horrible in the moment of yelling at my amazing husband and how much I felt out of control.

How much I wanted to feel good.

How much I wanted to know that I am being taken care of.

Instead all of my anxiety gremlins emerged in my being and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. Anger was boiling up in my body. By the time my husband sneakily came to bed, I was livid. 

2 seconds go by. I hear…. Snore snore snore…. WTF!!!!

I yell out loud.

I am PISSED. I AM ANGRY. I AM PISSED!!! You can SO easily fall asleep and I am forced to listen to you fall asleep. I cannot handle this. 

I run out of the room and make as much noise while my dear, sweet husband exclaims back to me, feeling horrible, “I am sorry, I am sorry.”

I make my way to the second bedroom and lie face down on the floor next to the window that looks out into the pitch black darkness of night. In that moment, I felt the darkness flood over me.

The sadness.

The anger.

The hopefulness.

The fear. Oh FUCK the fear.

I sit up and start tapping. EFT (emotional freedom technique). It saved me. I kept looking into the darkness at 1:30 am and asked for Light. I saw the horizon of light among the tree line. I know there is light. Through darkness we will find the light. 

The wound is where the light enters you.

-Rumi

As I made my way back to bed, I felt awful, stupid, out of control, fearful, sad, shameful. I didn’t fall asleep until I put earplugs in so I didn’t have to hear my amazing, caring husband dream. 

I realized this morning the anger was still there, even after working out for 2 hours. As I predicted, we fought in between blaming each other for what happened last night, I didn’t feel I was being heard. I didn’t feel hopeful of this day to come. 

I decided I needed some air. I took a long walk listening to Gabby’s affirmation meditation on repeat. I cried to myself and tried to get myself out of this funk. I honored my feelings of fear, worry and more fear. I knew the first thing I was going to do when I walked into the door. 

Ask my husband for forgiveness.

Did I do it?

No.

I cried on the porch. He came out and just held me. Told me we are ok. It’s going to be ok.

Being held, that is what I needed. I couldn’t handle this angry energy anymore. It didn’t feel good.

I needed to be held. I needed to feel him listen to my energy. How drained I was from not sleeping. From working out for 2 hours. From being an angry person. Even as I write this, I am crying because after all I said and did to hurt his feelings. He still left for work and said,

“Don’t worry, I am sorry too, go to sleep, I’ll see you later.”

With a smile on his face, not pouting on who was right or wrong, not making me feel worse. He accepted the situation.

I was fucking tired.

We are captors in our home.

We are in a situation that the whole world is dealing with.

We are NOT ourselves.

We are in a pandemic that is altering so many lives. The worries, doubts, fears I have are still valid, I know. But knowing that there are many more people in worse situations makes me feel bad even writing this to you. 

My revelation on what has happened in my body since yesterday, I miss being held. My whole being misses physical connection. 

As Brene Brown says, “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

I am imperfect. I am going to struggle more as this quarantine goes one. But I am still worthy of being loved and being held and belonging to this world. 

Who else is struggling?

Love & Light,

Kate

This Too Shall Pass

This Too Shall Pass

This Too Shall Pass

Originally posted on March 13, 2020

This too shall pass. Andra’ tutto bene. Everything will be fine. In this time of uncertainty, we rush to find certainty in life. We rush for supplies. We rush to protect loved ones. We rush to assumptions. We rush to the news. Too much rushing. Too much chaos. 

This is a perfect time to understand how much power we have as humans to change the story. Yes, the TV is creating more anxiety. Why not turn it off? Perhaps play a board game with your child, friend, roommate, partner. Live in the present moment. How does that sound? This is all we have right now. The Present Moment.

Take this time to connect with your spiritual self. Your higher self has already found a way to deal with this. Ask him or her. Talk to your spirit guides and know that they are on your side. 

Change the story by changing the thoughts in your mind. Did you know you have the choice of picking your thoughts? Your ego dictates a lot but you have the power to steer clear of the negative, fear-based thoughts. Like a friend said to me this week “No fear-based thought will change the outcome”. Read that again. You imagining what could happen is not helping and will not change how the outcome develops. 

Another dear friend mentioned this after my class today, “We are going for a ride like we are about to get on a rollercoaster”. When waiting to get on a rollercoaster you have butterflies in your stomach, anticipating the twists and turns and upside-down movement, but until you get on the rollercoaster you can’t really know how it will be. Right? Your mind is always preparing you for the fight or flight mode. 

We must be vigilant to take the proper precautions and that is all. Don’t do what I did yesterday, watching and reading everything people are saying about this pandemic. Hell, I did it earlier today as well. IT DOES NOT HELP.

Take a walk. Write in your journal. Binge-watch your favorite funny show. Read that book you have been meaning to read. Connect more with your children. Connect more with yourself. 

One of the exercises I like to do when my mind starts turning negative and fear-based is the Choose Again Method.

  1. Notice the fearful thought. We are being consumed by fear and uncertainty and pressure. Be gentle with yourself and become aware of the thought. It is normal that you have those thoughts. Now notice where you are feeling this fear-based thought. I feel it in my chest and my breathing starts to speed up. Give yourself a chance to pinpoint where the fear wants to set up camp. Start to breathe deeply into that part of your body. Honor the feeling and the thought. 
  2. Forgive the thought. The second step is to forgive yourself for having the thought. We want to forgive the thought that makes us obsessed, panicked and anxiety-ridden. Maybe we are a healthy person and are obsessing about being unwell. Just forgive yourself for going over the top in panic. Simply say, “I forgive this thought.” Abraham-Hicks says a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. If you keep a thought on repeat that thought eventually becomes your reality. There is a serious pandemic going on. It is how we choose to perceive our reality that is important. You can choose the how of your experience. We can then release our thoughts by forgiving them. 
  3. Choose again. The third step is to choose again. Maybe you have a thought like this: “I’m going to get the coronavirus and I’m terrified.” Once you have witnessed the thought, forgive the thought, next is to choose the next best feeling thought. It could be something like this: “I am healthy right now.” Or “I am taking the proper precautions”.

One by one, reach for the thoughts that make you feel better. Whatever good feeling thoughts keep reaching for them to get you out of the chaotic mindset. 


We have the ability to change the story for us. One by one, we can choose a better feeling thought and keep the positivity flowing from one corner of the world to the other. We will get through this.

In Italian, Andra’ tutto bene

Self-care is key here. Meditate. Read. Take a bath. Workout. Move your body. Eat a healthy diet. Hydrate. Use this time to finally take care of yourself. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Inside and out.

What are some self-care steps you can start implementing into your life?

Tell me in the comments.

Love & Light,

Kate

Light up the World

Light up the World

Light up the World

originally posted Nov 16, 2019

The messages I have been receiving these past few months have been telling me that I am here to help people. I am here to light up the world with what I have learned myself. Many times over, I have been someone’s shoulder to cry on, a sounding board, or just someone to vent to. I was always able to welcome people because my innate nature to help and guide people comes from a loving place. Because I know what it is like. I know how hard it is to live on your own, find your passion, be hopeful the love of your life will enter when you are ready. These are all common worries and trials people go through early in life. Perhaps even later in life. 

I’ve noticed after being that person, someone that listened to peoples’ life trials, I felt really bad afterwards. The energy they were giving off started to stick to me like glue. I unfortunately didn’t know how to protect myself. This has gone on for many years when I have taken the bad, negative, angry energy of one person and made it my own. Being so susceptible to energy, good and bad, I needed to learn how I can still shine my light but not take bad, discarded energy from others. To protect myself, I cross my legs and arms in the presence of energy that is not mine. I continue to cross my legs and arms until they are no longer in sight. Since figuring this trick out I have not felt as heavy, holding onto their draining energy. I am honored that so many people want to be around my energy. But I think it is hard for some people to understand how their energy affects people.

Another stepping stone in being a teacher,  is how to say no when people (mostly friends or co-workers) have used your energy far to often and have not given back to you. How drained do you think I feel? Don’t get me wrong I love helping my friends and family but when it becomes more one-sided, I can not help anymore. When I meet with students from my yoga and meditation classes, I give them my all and imagine the energy is a cycle always coming back to me, as a thank you. Even if it is more one-sided in a class setting, I know how to hold the space for my students and give them my complete love and energy to help them get through. The cycle of breath becomes the energy cycle I use to move through the class. 

After my mediation today, I used the deck of Keepers of the light and picked Light Activation. The extended message lit me up inside:

“You are here to light up the world. You may feel that you are being pushed or that there is a lot going on at once, and this is because your energy is magnetic to others and they want it in their life. Take the time to listen to your inner voice. Remember the cosmic light of heaven and draw it into you. That is all you need to do to inspire the world.”

Begin to notice how you feel when you are giving energy as opposed to receiving energy. Then notice who sucks your energy dry. Those people or things should have bourdaries so to not drain you completely.

What makes you feel lit up? Who is around you when you shine your light? What is the emotion that is expressed when you light up the world?

Love and Light,

Katie 

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