The Struggle

The Struggle

The Struggle

Originally posted April 7, 2020

I am struggling. Really struggling. Lack of connection. Lack of physical touch. Fear. Doubt. Worry. Uncertainty.

The practices I have taken on to comfort myself have been working but last night the ball was dropped. I had a horrible night of insomnia. Of Fear. Of worry. Of uncertainty. 

My day started off well. I decided to do 40 days of concentrated spiritual work. 3 times or maybe four times a day of spiritual breaks, no time limit on how long I spend. Enough time to feel relief. 

I went from listening to Gabby’s affirmation meditation 4 times in the morning. Then at 2pm I did a 20 minute kundalini meditation for manifesting. My afternoon was spent making art with my paints and colored pencils. I created a shield of protection through my art to help me stay grounded and feel the love that is around me. At 6pm, I did a Voo chant meditation and then EFT tapping meditation. I went to bed without watching the news or any type of news. I did one last EFT tapping for stress before I went to sleep. 

My beautiful cat, Milly, came up at a certain point and curled up next to me. I felt the energy from her. I felt how much I needed the love from her at that moment. Did I mention I was crying on and off all day? Yes. It was a hard day. Even though I set aside these spiritual breaks. 

The ball was dropped, all the spiritual work was thrown out the window, when Milly decided(as she does every night if we don’t put her in the basement) to wake me up. At midnight. While my husband was watching a show downstairs, I came down like a bat out of hell, sending death rays from my eyes at him.

I angrily asked him why are you still up? Why isn’t Milly downstairs? Why don’t you care about how I feel? Why don’t you care about how much I need sleep?

My anxiety was elevated to the highest it has been since this all started. I felt horrible in the moment of yelling at my amazing husband and how much I felt out of control.

How much I wanted to feel good.

How much I wanted to know that I am being taken care of.

Instead all of my anxiety gremlins emerged in my being and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. Anger was boiling up in my body. By the time my husband sneakily came to bed, I was livid. 

2 seconds go by. I hear…. Snore snore snore…. WTF!!!!

I yell out loud.

I am PISSED. I AM ANGRY. I AM PISSED!!! You can SO easily fall asleep and I am forced to listen to you fall asleep. I cannot handle this. 

I run out of the room and make as much noise while my dear, sweet husband exclaims back to me, feeling horrible, “I am sorry, I am sorry.”

I make my way to the second bedroom and lie face down on the floor next to the window that looks out into the pitch black darkness of night. In that moment, I felt the darkness flood over me.

The sadness.

The anger.

The hopefulness.

The fear. Oh FUCK the fear.

I sit up and start tapping. EFT (emotional freedom technique). It saved me. I kept looking into the darkness at 1:30 am and asked for Light. I saw the horizon of light among the tree line. I know there is light. Through darkness we will find the light. 

The wound is where the light enters you.

-Rumi

As I made my way back to bed, I felt awful, stupid, out of control, fearful, sad, shameful. I didn’t fall asleep until I put earplugs in so I didn’t have to hear my amazing, caring husband dream. 

I realized this morning the anger was still there, even after working out for 2 hours. As I predicted, we fought in between blaming each other for what happened last night, I didn’t feel I was being heard. I didn’t feel hopeful of this day to come. 

I decided I needed some air. I took a long walk listening to Gabby’s affirmation meditation on repeat. I cried to myself and tried to get myself out of this funk. I honored my feelings of fear, worry and more fear. I knew the first thing I was going to do when I walked into the door. 

Ask my husband for forgiveness.

Did I do it?

No.

I cried on the porch. He came out and just held me. Told me we are ok. It’s going to be ok.

Being held, that is what I needed. I couldn’t handle this angry energy anymore. It didn’t feel good.

I needed to be held. I needed to feel him listen to my energy. How drained I was from not sleeping. From working out for 2 hours. From being an angry person. Even as I write this, I am crying because after all I said and did to hurt his feelings. He still left for work and said,

“Don’t worry, I am sorry too, go to sleep, I’ll see you later.”

With a smile on his face, not pouting on who was right or wrong, not making me feel worse. He accepted the situation.

I was fucking tired.

We are captors in our home.

We are in a situation that the whole world is dealing with.

We are NOT ourselves.

We are in a pandemic that is altering so many lives. The worries, doubts, fears I have are still valid, I know. But knowing that there are many more people in worse situations makes me feel bad even writing this to you. 

My revelation on what has happened in my body since yesterday, I miss being held. My whole being misses physical connection. 

As Brene Brown says, “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”

I am imperfect. I am going to struggle more as this quarantine goes one. But I am still worthy of being loved and being held and belonging to this world. 

Who else is struggling?

Love & Light,

Kate

This Too Shall Pass

This Too Shall Pass

This Too Shall Pass

Originally posted on March 13, 2020

This too shall pass. Andra’ tutto bene. Everything will be fine. In this time of uncertainty, we rush to find certainty in life. We rush for supplies. We rush to protect loved ones. We rush to assumptions. We rush to the news. Too much rushing. Too much chaos. 

This is a perfect time to understand how much power we have as humans to change the story. Yes, the TV is creating more anxiety. Why not turn it off? Perhaps play a board game with your child, friend, roommate, partner. Live in the present moment. How does that sound? This is all we have right now. The Present Moment.

Take this time to connect with your spiritual self. Your higher self has already found a way to deal with this. Ask him or her. Talk to your spirit guides and know that they are on your side. 

Change the story by changing the thoughts in your mind. Did you know you have the choice of picking your thoughts? Your ego dictates a lot but you have the power to steer clear of the negative, fear-based thoughts. Like a friend said to me this week “No fear-based thought will change the outcome”. Read that again. You imagining what could happen is not helping and will not change how the outcome develops. 

Another dear friend mentioned this after my class today, “We are going for a ride like we are about to get on a rollercoaster”. When waiting to get on a rollercoaster you have butterflies in your stomach, anticipating the twists and turns and upside-down movement, but until you get on the rollercoaster you can’t really know how it will be. Right? Your mind is always preparing you for the fight or flight mode. 

We must be vigilant to take the proper precautions and that is all. Don’t do what I did yesterday, watching and reading everything people are saying about this pandemic. Hell, I did it earlier today as well. IT DOES NOT HELP.

Take a walk. Write in your journal. Binge-watch your favorite funny show. Read that book you have been meaning to read. Connect more with your children. Connect more with yourself. 

One of the exercises I like to do when my mind starts turning negative and fear-based is the Choose Again Method.

  1. Notice the fearful thought. We are being consumed by fear and uncertainty and pressure. Be gentle with yourself and become aware of the thought. It is normal that you have those thoughts. Now notice where you are feeling this fear-based thought. I feel it in my chest and my breathing starts to speed up. Give yourself a chance to pinpoint where the fear wants to set up camp. Start to breathe deeply into that part of your body. Honor the feeling and the thought. 
  2. Forgive the thought. The second step is to forgive yourself for having the thought. We want to forgive the thought that makes us obsessed, panicked and anxiety-ridden. Maybe we are a healthy person and are obsessing about being unwell. Just forgive yourself for going over the top in panic. Simply say, “I forgive this thought.” Abraham-Hicks says a belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. If you keep a thought on repeat that thought eventually becomes your reality. There is a serious pandemic going on. It is how we choose to perceive our reality that is important. You can choose the how of your experience. We can then release our thoughts by forgiving them. 
  3. Choose again. The third step is to choose again. Maybe you have a thought like this: “I’m going to get the coronavirus and I’m terrified.” Once you have witnessed the thought, forgive the thought, next is to choose the next best feeling thought. It could be something like this: “I am healthy right now.” Or “I am taking the proper precautions”.

One by one, reach for the thoughts that make you feel better. Whatever good feeling thoughts keep reaching for them to get you out of the chaotic mindset. 


We have the ability to change the story for us. One by one, we can choose a better feeling thought and keep the positivity flowing from one corner of the world to the other. We will get through this.

In Italian, Andra’ tutto bene

Self-care is key here. Meditate. Read. Take a bath. Workout. Move your body. Eat a healthy diet. Hydrate. Use this time to finally take care of yourself. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Inside and out.

What are some self-care steps you can start implementing into your life?

Tell me in the comments.

Love & Light,

Kate

Goals of Meditation

Goals of Meditation

Goals of Meditation

originally posted Nov 4, 2019

Some people have asked me, is the goal of meditation to relax and eventually fall asleep?

Not necessarily. You might want to fall asleep after, but that is not the goal. 

For me, Meditation is sitting with yourself, noticing your thoughts, and focusing on your body. Meditation is also focusing on your breath and how it interacts with your body. 

For a long time, I didn’t know how to really sit with my thoughts and listen to my breath. My ego was so loud in my head. It still is. I have to harness the fear and come back to my breath. My ego yelled negative things at me, it pushed me down when I was already down, it told me how bad I was at things. I would come out of my first sessions of meditation, even if only for 2-5 minutes, in tears. Angry with myself, how could I speak to myself like that?

That’s how I learned what my self-talk was and what it was doing to me mentally, physically and psychologically. Why was self talk important? Going further, why was POSITIVE self-talk important?

In order to accomplish things in your life, you need to be kind and compassionate towards yourself. YOU ARE HUMAN. You are NOT (and never will be) perfect. You were not built that way. You were built to be imperfect, the best way to be. The universe created you out of nothing and stopped when it knew, ‘You are a masterpiece’. So once you were born, you were just as you should be in the universe’s eyes. The only work we need to do is to create ideas, be ourselves, and develop a life into what the universe already has in place for us. 

Meditation is to help create that space in which we need to be present in this moment. We are always running around in this life, going to work, grocery shopping, cleaning our house, taking kids to practice, visiting family. We never really are present when doing those things, right? When we are driving are we really focused on our driving? Try and notice when you are on auto-pilot. Can you then bring yourself back to the present moment? Can you feel your body in this present moment?

It is ok if that is hard for you. It takes practice to get out of your head and into your body and breath.

Meditation is there for you to calm your monkey mind. If you are anxious, like me, meditation will help you conquer the busyness in your mind. 

Try to meditate focusing on your breath for 2 minutes. Notice the thoughts, notice your breath, notice your body. Just notice, don’t judge. 

Report back. 

Love & Light,

Katie 

Apostoli, My Savior

Apostoli, My Savior

Apostoli, My Savior

originally posted Oct 28, 2019

It was a hard day at work, teaching English to spoiled Italian children, I made my way to Borgo Apostoli. Santi Apostoli is where I feel my worries and stress melt away. It was winter, so the church was even colder than outside. I warmed myself next to the candles where people look up and pray for loved ones and themselves. I lit myself a candle and looked up to the tabernacle which was adorned with Mary. All I said was ‘help me’ as tears streamed down my face. Help me with what, I don’t know. But at that time in my life I was lost in the streets of Florence, not knowing if what I was doing was impacting others or even advancing myself in this life. Was I on the right path? I knew there was more out there. More things I wanted to accomplish.

As I’m the ayurvedic dosha vata, and impatient in nature, I got frustrated so easily. Sitting in the pews of Santi Apostoli just breathing, feeling the energy around me, the good positive energy that brought me to this amazing city, I was able to calm down. I allowed myself to cry as much as I wanted, it was the only way to feel exactly what I was feeling. I was always told how emotional I was as a child. “I am passionate”, I thought to myself. “I know there is more out there.”

I never stopped at Santi Apostoli at the same time of day but when I needed to stop it always seemed to be open for me. Like it was waiting for me to arrive.

‘Feel what you need to feel, Katie’, it would say as I want walk through its’ wooden doors.

‘Then press on. You are where you need to be.’ 

Even after 5 years of moving away from my beloved city, I still feel its’ pull. Its’ energy telling me it is ok.

Keep your head up. Patience. Be authentically you. 

Meditation doesn’t have to use a mantra, music or special equipment. Sometimes your meditation might just to be in your body, in your spirit, feel your feelings. Without judging how you are feeling, just let go of the anguish, pain, suffering, stress, worry, doubt. Move on then. 

Our problem as a society, we don’t want to feel. We don’t want to feel the pain, the hurt, the struggle. But that is the main part of being human. We must feel the feeling in order to move through life. We cannot ignore it. 

It can be a good feeling as well. Why not feel good once and awhile? Our other problem is not wanting to feel good. Because it is fleeting, perhaps it is setting us up for something bad that is just around the corner. So no one wants to really enjoy feeling good when we get a new job, buying a new house, or welcoming a new baby. Try to sit in a moment of feeling good once and awhile. Notice how it feels when you repeat to yourself

It’s good to feel good.

How does it feel inside?

All we want in this life to feel good in each moment. Yes, there are many moments when it is hard to feel good but what if you try to sit with yourself each morning and say to yourself:

Today is going to be a great day, a great day to feel good about myself, my day will be filled with feeling good moments.

Give it a try tomorrow morning. Report back. ? 

Love & Light, 

Katie

 

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