Originally posted April 7, 2020
I am struggling. Really struggling. Lack of connection. Lack of physical touch. Fear. Doubt. Worry. Uncertainty.
The practices I have taken on to comfort myself have been working but last night the ball was dropped. I had a horrible night of insomnia. Of Fear. Of worry. Of uncertainty.
My day started off well. I decided to do 40 days of concentrated spiritual work. 3 times or maybe four times a day of spiritual breaks, no time limit on how long I spend. Enough time to feel relief.
I went from listening to Gabby’s affirmation meditation 4 times in the morning. Then at 2pm I did a 20 minute kundalini meditation for manifesting. My afternoon was spent making art with my paints and colored pencils. I created a shield of protection through my art to help me stay grounded and feel the love that is around me. At 6pm, I did a Voo chant meditation and then EFT tapping meditation. I went to bed without watching the news or any type of news. I did one last EFT tapping for stress before I went to sleep.
My beautiful cat, Milly, came up at a certain point and curled up next to me. I felt the energy from her. I felt how much I needed the love from her at that moment. Did I mention I was crying on and off all day? Yes. It was a hard day. Even though I set aside these spiritual breaks.
The ball was dropped, all the spiritual work was thrown out the window, when Milly decided(as she does every night if we don’t put her in the basement) to wake me up. At midnight. While my husband was watching a show downstairs, I came down like a bat out of hell, sending death rays from my eyes at him.
I angrily asked him why are you still up? Why isn’t Milly downstairs? Why don’t you care about how I feel? Why don’t you care about how much I need sleep?
My anxiety was elevated to the highest it has been since this all started. I felt horrible in the moment of yelling at my amazing husband and how much I felt out of control.
How much I wanted to feel good.
How much I wanted to know that I am being taken care of.
Instead all of my anxiety gremlins emerged in my being and I couldn’t fall back to sleep. Anger was boiling up in my body. By the time my husband sneakily came to bed, I was livid.
2 seconds go by. I hear…. Snore snore snore…. WTF!!!!
I yell out loud.
I am PISSED. I AM ANGRY. I AM PISSED!!! You can SO easily fall asleep and I am forced to listen to you fall asleep. I cannot handle this.
I run out of the room and make as much noise while my dear, sweet husband exclaims back to me, feeling horrible, “I am sorry, I am sorry.”
I make my way to the second bedroom and lie face down on the floor next to the window that looks out into the pitch black darkness of night. In that moment, I felt the darkness flood over me.
The fear. Oh FUCK the fear.
I sit up and start tapping. EFT (emotional freedom technique). It saved me. I kept looking into the darkness at 1:30 am and asked for Light. I saw the horizon of light among the tree line. I know there is light. Through darkness we will find the light.
The wound is where the light enters you.
As I made my way back to bed, I felt awful, stupid, out of control, fearful, sad, shameful. I didn’t fall asleep until I put earplugs in so I didn’t have to hear my amazing, caring husband dream.
I realized this morning the anger was still there, even after working out for 2 hours. As I predicted, we fought in between blaming each other for what happened last night, I didn’t feel I was being heard. I didn’t feel hopeful of this day to come.
I decided I needed some air. I took a long walk listening to Gabby’s affirmation meditation on repeat. I cried to myself and tried to get myself out of this funk. I honored my feelings of fear, worry and more fear. I knew the first thing I was going to do when I walked into the door.
Ask my husband for forgiveness.
Did I do it?
I cried on the porch. He came out and just held me. Told me we are ok. It’s going to be ok.
Being held, that is what I needed. I couldn’t handle this angry energy anymore. It didn’t feel good.
I needed to be held. I needed to feel him listen to my energy. How drained I was from not sleeping. From working out for 2 hours. From being an angry person. Even as I write this, I am crying because after all I said and did to hurt his feelings. He still left for work and said,
“Don’t worry, I am sorry too, go to sleep, I’ll see you later.”
With a smile on his face, not pouting on who was right or wrong, not making me feel worse. He accepted the situation.
I was fucking tired.
We are captors in our home.
We are in a situation that the whole world is dealing with.
We are NOT ourselves.
We are in a pandemic that is altering so many lives. The worries, doubts, fears I have are still valid, I know. But knowing that there are many more people in worse situations makes me feel bad even writing this to you.
My revelation on what has happened in my body since yesterday, I miss being held. My whole being misses physical connection.
As Brene Brown says, “You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging.”
I am imperfect. I am going to struggle more as this quarantine goes one. But I am still worthy of being loved and being held and belonging to this world.
Who else is struggling?
Love & Light,